I’m not allowed to push any particular brand names in this column so all I will say is that it is dark green (Kelly-green, according to my wife – Kelly) it’s made in Canada and is ranked just above a Colonel. You figure it out! One further clue: It is the best lathe ever made, even if it does possess the means to scare the be-jeebers out of me when unplugged and standing still.

I had purchased my lathe along with a full set of lovely sharp things that com­pletely baffled me. As far as I knew they were a really good, expensive set of fancy barbeque tools. I also got a pretty, shiny chucky-thingy and something called a Wolverine, whose purpose I was assured was invaluable but completely slipped my mind as soon as I was told what it was used for. I was sure the salesman saw me coming a thousand kilometres away but in the end it turns out he knew what he was talking about and almost every­thing ended up being used for something; though some not necessarily for what their inventor likely intended.

My shiny new lathe was delivered by a large truck that had no business attempt­ing to negotiate my ice-encrusted, 1400 foot driveway, up the hill and through the snow-draped woods. But I had confidence in the driver, after all he was a professional.

He managed to finally top the rise and deftly swung his unit around and with careful hand gestures from me – most of which I was making up on the spot – promptly backed into the large snowdrift I had been meaning to shovel away from the shop doors. Now I didn’t have to!

After flattening the snow further with the hydraulic unloading ramp, we man­aged to manoeuvre the lathe off the truck and into the shop, where it imme­diately took up permanent residence. This monster was quite likely never to move again – at least not without an awful lot of help from every one of my friends. His name is Geoff!

I signed the delivery papers and handed over my bank book and my first-born child. As the truck slipped and slithered its way down the hill and through the woods, I stood staring at the mighty beast in deep awe; and a lit­tle nervousness – actually, it was sheer, abject terror. In retrospect, my trepida­tion may be understandable considering I had never before owned a lathe, used a lathe, or even observed a lathe in use, either in person or in a movie.

This is where my new library would come in handy. Trial and error would have to wait. At least until: (a) the tem­perature warmed up somewhat above the current -30 C (I know, I’m a wimp) and (b) my wife asked me, for at least the fifth time, why I wasn’t using my new toy. I figured that should be within the first 15 or 20 minutes after entering the house. So I decided to sleep where I was!

You didn’t honestly believe I could tell this story all in one go, did you?